Selena

Before Michael Jackson, before Aaliyah, it was Selena. I was 9 years old when she, my very first idol ever, was murdered at the height of her stardom (pre-death of course) To this day it still hurts me to think of her death (I still hate the woman that killed her so fucking much). Last night, since I was home alone I blasted all her songs because it'd been a while, danced and sang like I did when I was a kid, except now I get quite emotional. I don't really like listening to Selena when people are home because it reminds me of when I was in 3rd and 4th grade and how I was made fun of for loving her so much by my classmates and my family. If she heard Selena playing in my room, my mom would be all up in my room minding my business. And since I get emotional I like to keep it private, but I guess now it's no longer a secret. Anyway, I went looking for some pictures of her and I found these, of the night she won her Grammy award:

That dress (also seen in her "No Me Queda Mas" video) is sooo beautiful.

She looked so flawless that night.

Things I Love Thursday

♥ post-workout glow ♥ post-workout soreness ♥ longer days ♥ dancing the night away ♥ corresponding with a friend who is in a hellish land far away ♥ Goofy ♥ red lips ♥ having so many Dunkin Donuts coupons ♥ the Chic Runner ♥ staying organized ♥ having the occasional egg white veggie omelet ♥ and the occasional McDonald's french fries (I need to stop that) ♥ real good olives ♥ protein shake made with french vanilla whey, vanilla almond milk, fresh berries, and Splenda (so filling and tasty) ♥ feta cheese ♥ Everybody's Nuts! South of the Border Pistachios ♥ Starbucks Tazo Chai Tea Soy Latte ♥ raspberries ♥ anise seeds ♥ the fact that I'm always naming foods in Things I Love Thursday ♥ my new running kicks!! ♥ Gala Darling's Radical Self-Love month ♥ the fact that Johnny Depp's beautiful face is in Kingdom Hearts II ♥ Brucci nail polish in Blue Black (it starts off blue and the more coats you add, the blacker it becomes) ♥ The Verve ♥ Gonna be home alone this weekend!

Got my running shoes!

Last night I actually made it on a run with my team members. (Our first run was Saturday morning but I couldn't face the 1-degree temperature at 8AM so I missed it.) On my way there I was thinking to myself "Wow good job deciding to train in the winter - NOT!". I was feeling a little apprehensive because a) it was arctic cold and b) I don't have proper running shoes or clothes and c) I was sleepy. How will I survive? I felt a little self-conscious because of the awkward clothes (a hoodie, thermal, too-short track pants over a pair of leggings) and Vans sneakers I had to wear. But once I arrived at Urban Athletics, the running shop that is also TNT's Wednesday night meeting area, and saw all the people there, ready to run, my mental state changed and I remembered my mission. Yeah I was tired and freezing and looked super silly and I was the only one wearing the wrong shoes, but it's officially official! I'm training to run a freaking (half) marathon on behalf of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society! Pumped I was.

After our run/walk which was about a mile, I was recharged, and could have easily ran another mile. We went back to Urban Athletics to get our stuff. I was told to get new running shoes because those Vans are too flat for long-distance running. I was fitted for some running shoes, and purchased the Nike Zoom Elite 4 shoes! And I got a sweet 30% discount on them!

These old Vans were my only pair of sneakers that I would wear. I was told these are good for basketball. I've been using them at the gym. They're pretty comfortable but...

These babies are where the power is at! The difference in comfort and fit is incredible. As soon as I tried them on I realized how much faster I could run in them. I'm not a fan of running shoes, for I don't find them very attractive. I was really hoping for some black ones or something so that I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning them and of course so that they could match everything else I have. Why is it that so many running shoes are light and grey and just plain fug? But oh well. I love these and I can't wait to try them outdoors.

You know what else is funny? That running clothes are on my mind all the time now: running jackets and pants, a sports bra, some socks maybe, I want them all (mainly for winter training purposes, the biting cold is brutal but running with a coat is not something I want to do). I never thought I would've been the one to even like athletic gear but there's some cute stuff out there (vanity). Anyway I'm delighted that I can finally go hard on my training now that I've got my weapons. Yay!

Re-cap: January

January was very successful in terms of accomplishing a few goals I'd set for myself like going to yoga and pilates (which I love), saving up for my Eurotrip and not spending money on clothes, getting my patent leather boots repaired, and job searching (boring enough to make me not want to do it). But I went even further and accomplished other things I never even imagined:

♥ Ending an unhealthy on/off relationship for good. It'd been rocky from the start. It was my first "adult" relationship but it was handled very childishly. I was sad at first when I realized it was the end for good because I loved and cared about him so much. But we loved versions of each other that don't exist and that was the root of our problem (he wanted me to be his ideal girl and I wanted him to love me as I am). I feel much much better now that I realize our relationship could never work and it will never change no matter how many times we get back together. No more hibernating in depression over the end for I'm better off without. Too bad it took two years of low self-esteem and bending myself backward to try to fit into the mold he wanted which was impossible and trying to compensate for not being able to. Damn. But no regrets...

♥ Becoming a runner through The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team In Training Program!!! It's nice to have a hobby and a good deed attached to it, as well as other great benefits like sexy legs, meeting loads of people and travel possibilities (PLEASE DONATE)!

♥ Being a promoter at Equinox in exchange for guest pass that has to be renewed weekly. It made me realize that a health club membership would be something I'd put to use if I could afford it. There are so many classes to benefit from and it's a valuable way of spending time and money (since I've not enough motivation to work out at home alone every day).

♥ The Princess and the Frog, Fight Club, made new friends and caught up with old ones, Uno's and Olive Garden with BFF, the hilarity and amazingness that is Jersey Shore, Good Hair, Precious, Moonwalker, Supernatural and Ugly Betty returning from hiatus, Mo's birthday, Kingdom Hearts II

February goals: be able run 5 miles straight by the end of the month, find a paying job (I don't want to work in the same place anymore), raise $1000 toward LLS, continue saving toward Eurotrip, and getting into the habit of cleaning/organizing my space everyday (I tend to let it get scary messy). I also hope I stay as happy as I am, if not get happier. In the past 4 weeks, I've learned a lot about myself and I feel like I've grown up a lot. I used to say I feel stuck at age 15. I'll say I'm up to 18 now.

I'm still stuck though. I've finally had enough of cater waitering (especially in that particular place). I am trying to be patient with my current living and financial situation as I work on improving them (PS that word "situation" will never be the same after Jersey Shore). It's tough because I'm an instant gratification kind of person (something I realized very recently). It's tough to keep my cool living at home and being mostly unemployed at my age, but I have to focus on other things so that I won't fall back into a deep depression. This brings me to how I've also had enough of people and their negativity. I noticed that those are the people that are miserable in their own lives and don't do much to improve themselves, so they try to bring other people down with them. Unfortunately I'm speaking of a particular someone that I care about. If I didn't love him so much I'd cut him out of my life. I try to motivate him and tell him he has the power to change his life. He says he tries but he barely lifts a finger. It's so frustrating! And I understand him because I've been there. It's a vicious cycle of self-hatred for not doing anything, not doing anything because you hate yourself, so back to hating yourself for not doing anything and around we go. It's a difficult cycle to break but all it really takes is one small step after another.

If one positive thing came out of my relationship with ex-Significant Other is that toward the end he became interested in personal development. He'd point out that I was too negative, and being lazy which annoyed me because it was mostly true. I was unhappy in our relationship and unhappy about everything else but wasn't trying very hard to change anything (I wanted to die). But when he started getting into it and pushing himself to change his own mental state it really inspired me because I cared about him and I knew that my negativity affected him. I want to inspire my friend to break himself out of the cycle because I'm tired of seeing him suffer. He's so talented and beautiful but he is too afraid to share that with the world even though he wants to. I'm afraid to be too vocal about it though because I know what it's like to be told "You're the reason your life sucks". You just want to kill the messenger and never talk to them again, especially since you know it's true and the truth hurts. The only thing I can do is when he complains about something or says something negative is just tell him something positive. Misery loves company and I don't want to enable his misery and negativity anymore, especially since I'm not completely negativity-free. Yeah, now that I've let that out out of my system, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my day. Errands, running, and who knows what else?

Empire State of Mind

Saturday night I went to celebrate Mo's birthday with BFF! The festivities were at Empire Hotel's Rooftop. It was my first time being there. It was sweet! We had a blast! It was freezing cold that night. I'd planned to wear a skirt but I couldn't bring myself to freeze so I wore my NYE outfit with like 4 layers of pants, so no special outfit pic.

Mo & BFF

Moi et BFF

It was fun seeing Mo's fun friends again, plus meeting a couple new ones. Drinks were overpriced but the DJ made every one happy. I was fist-pumping quite a lot. And we all basically danced the whole time we were there from like 11PM-2:30AM. I can't remember the last time I went out and danced so much. But I'm glad we did it because it was a grand time!